If I Could Be Her
by theangelshavethetardis
Summary: Five times Martha was jealous of Rose Tyler, and one time she wasn't. (Implied past Ten/Rose, Ten/Martha friendship. Canon-compliant. Not meant to bash Rose or Martha.)
1. Chapter 1

Martha realizes she's jealous of Rose Tyler when the Doctor takes her on her first adventure. Lying on the bed together, she can't pretend she minds sharing. She has no plans to do anything, of course - she's only just met the man. But she's enjoying herself, nonetheless, until the Doctor ruins it. "Rose would know what to do," he says. And just like that, the moment is gone.

Martha isn't sure exactly what happened to Rose - she's afraid to ask, but she knows it can't be good. She isn't interested in pressing the topic, so she flips off the light and turns away from the Doctor. But she can't help but wonder what would be happening right now if Rose were here in her place. And maybe it's just so that she can help the Doctor, or maybe it's something more, but right now, Martha wishes she were Rose.


	2. Chapter 2

The second time Martha is jealous of Rose, the Doctor takes her to New New York. Standing next to him in the dark under-city, it's only natural for her to wish she could be up in the open air of the planet. But Martha is starting to realize that her jealousy stretches beyond that. She knows that the Doctor loved Rose, knows that he's still getting over loosing her, knows that going back to the places they had their adventures is part of his grieving process. She respects his right to mourn. But must she be a part of that?

Sometimes, no matter how selfish she thinks it makes her, Martha wishes she had been first. She could have her own time with a Doctor who was not yet burdened with the pain of loosing Rose. She doesn't voice her thoughts to him, though. She mutters about rebounds and moves on. But privately, she thinks that if she had been here before Rose, the Doctor would appreciate her a thousand times more.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Sorry I haven't updated in a while! School was crazy this week. I made this chapter quite a bit longer, though, so hopefully that makes up for it.**

The third time Martha is jealous of Rose, she knows she shouldn't be. The Doctor doesn't even mention her. But he's leaving her and there's nothing she can do about it and even after everything, she's still not good enough for him. Sure, he said it was only going to be one trip. But standing in her flat watching the TARDIS dematerialize for what she thinks is the last time, she realizes that she let herself hope that, maybe, just maybe, it could have been more.

He never once says Rose's name. But Martha knows that he never would have left her like this. Despite the fact that she's never met the girl, she has found herself being compared to Rose by the Doctor so many times that she feels like she knows her. And she knows it's wrong, but sometimes she resents her. Perfect Rose, who came into the Doctor's life and ensured that, at least in his eyes, nobody that came after would ever compare to her.

Martha knows she isn't being fair. Rose was probably an amazing person and maybe if they'd met they even would have been friends. But in the few seconds that she stands alone in her flat, her jealously of Rose flares up with a burning passion. While she's been traveling with the Doctor, she's begun to care deeply about him. And she's scared to admit, even to herself, how far those feelings go.

Before she can think about it too much, the Doctor is back. He's intrigued by something new and they're off on another adventure and in the end, he invites her onboard. Not just one trip, but for real this time. But even so, Martha can't quite shake off the feeling that the Doctor will never see her as somebody who's anywhere near as good as Rose.

Thanks for reading! Reviews keep me posting ;). xx


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: I'm so sorry for not updating in ages! To be honest, I haven't had any inspiration, and this chapter is a pretty far stretch. I have the rest of the story pretty much planned out though, so it should be pretty easy from here.**

The fourth time Martha is jealous of Rose Tyler, it's not even really the Doctor that's making her be. But he looks like the Doctor and talks like the Doctor, and maybe he's temporarily a human schoolteacher who calls himself John Smith, but Martha knows that the Doctor is still in there somewhere. And whether he's the Doctor or John Smith, being around him is really bloody painful right now.

Realistically, it makes more sense for Martha to be jealous of Joan. The Doctor has fallen in love with her, after all. But as always, Martha's jealously comes back to Rose. Because even as a human, with no memories of his Time Lord past save fleeting dreams in the dead of night, the Doctor's love for Rose comes bleeding through. Martha sees the pictures of her in John's journal, and she realizes that, no matter how much she may want him to, the Doctor - human or Time Lord - will never see her like that.

Martha's been doing a lot of thinking during the past few months she's spent with the human Doctor. And she's realized she's put herself in an impossible situation. Because she loves the Doctor - she accepts it now, she's head over heels for him. But she also knows that her feelings will never be returned. No matter how hard she tries, she will never be more than a friend.

But what can she do? Martha would go to the end of the universe for the Doctor, without once ever questioning it. She knows it's wrong. She knows she will only get hurt in the end. But every time he calls, she will come running. She knows she'll do anything for him, without a doubt. She's too in love, both with the Doctor and the fantastic life he leads, to stop now


End file.
